Confession: I just ate three sugar cookies in 2.5 seconds. #helloholiday15

Confession: My knee hurts – like hurts to the point that I am limping on it – and I have no clue what I did. #oldoldold

Confession: Last night I cut my thumb with the knife while slicing up an onion. Then I cut the pointer finger on the same hand while opening a can of Great Northern Beans. Both bled profusely. #notacook

Confession: Somehow, between Dallas and Hutchinson, we lost our Christmas Tree. We agreed to just not have one this year. Then I borrowed a fake one.  And today I’m pretty sure I’m going to buy one at Ace Hardware.  #sorryseth

Confession: I interviewed a psychology professor today and couldn’t help but notice that he couldn’t help but look at my ridiculously messy note-taking. Pretty sure an analysis of my personality based on my scribbles would not be flattering for me. #sorrymom

Confession: I have four coffee cups on my desk. Two have fresh coffee in them. #caaaaaaaaaffeine

Confession: I really don’t have time to be blogging right now. #backtowork!

I would really like to blog more than I do. Now that we are back in Kansas and I’m back tojhlkjhlk

 

writing every day, the words come much easier. I actually have something to say and I have the words to say it. Unfortunately, I have a Ryle. And he likes to be on my lap, which he ishhbhhuyhjkvn bm

 

right now. He keeps pulling on my keyboard and then every once and awhile he hits it. d so far he’s logged me off, taken me to a different web page  and caused my whole screen to go black. This is a good metaphor for my life at the moment. It is like trying to write a blog with an 8-month-old on my lap. Ultimately, f im very glad to be writing and to have the infant on my lap, but nothing about it is easy.  it takes patience. it takes a constant stopping and restarting.

(right now ryle has my phone and is somewhat preoccupied with that. So sorry if any of you get called.

Uh oh. Dropped the phone. after the water. Hold please.

 

k. back.

now, what was I saying? Oh yes. Life. Amazing, but not easy. Wonderful but takes a ton of patience. Absolutely successful even tho i don’t really get anything done. ever.

Oh dear, I believe he just found an electrical cord. Adios.

Three weekends traveling to and from Kansas+lots to do in the next two weeks+thick document to work through and edit = Edie needs a brain break.

So. Here’s a random list for you. With hashmarks, which I’m only mildly certain that I’m using correctly:

1. Last night I dreamt that I had to go into a building and confront a man about keeping a bear there. He invited me in and showed me that the bear was actually a bear skin hanging on the wall. And then I turned around and there was a real bear growling at me and I ran out of the building into a HUGE parking lot and found my car (which turned out to be the car my friend Melissa had in high school) and drove away. I may or may not have been wearing high-heeled boots during this little adventure and dressed like Daphne from Scooby Doo.  #wowi’mweird

2. Last night we got home pretty late, which means that our floor in the parking garage was completely taken. We unloaded our stuff and then Seth went to park the car. This morning I walked all the way up the slanted parking area to the next floor carrying my bags and baby boy in his car seat and never found the car. Hubby had parked it on the street, apparently. Also, it was already 116 degrees out. #mightstrangleastranger

3. One of my best friends just had a baby. The picture on her blog today perfectly describes the first few days (weeks/months/years) of parenthood. #wishicouldholdhenry

4. I have three coats of varied weight on the back of my chair. I might put all three on here in a second. It is at least 125 degrees outside and about 50 inside. #c-c-c-coldinTexas

5. Seth really tries to mimic other people’s accents, and in most cases he is horribly off point. But he does a pretty good Bart Horton. #ilovemyhusband

6. Hash marks are really hard to come up with #andidon’treallygetthepoint

 

Fine. If you insist, I’ll write something.

How about a list?

1. We could-maybe-be-mov-in-back-tah-kaaaaaan-sas! (Please sing along.)

Since we are still in the process, I won’t say much about my feelings about this yet (although you can probably tell by the song.) But basically, God has opened the doors for Seth to interview for a position at Grace Bible Church in Hutchinson. If he gets it, he will complete his degree via online courses, winter and summer session courses and commuting to Dallas one day a week.

Seth and I love Christ’s Church around the world, but we especially have a heart for this group of believers in this community.  We believe in what Grace is doing to proclaim Christ in Hutchinson and around the world. We love this church and we’d love to be a part of it again some day.

We, of course, are praying that “some day” would be sometime next month. But we are blessed to know that the leadership at Grace will prayerfully consider Seth for the position and will be tender to God’s leading on whether he is the right person for the job. We are praying too. We want the position, but more than that we want what is best for Grace, even if that is not us.

2. I have my very own six-month-old.

His name is Ryle. Have you met him? Allow me to introduce you:

 

Ryle is so much fun.

He:

has two teeth

Sits up by himself

is thinking about crawling

screams when he is mad

is usually only mad when he is hungry

eats all the time

likes to snuggle with mommy

laughs EVERY SINGLE TIME daddy walks into the room

LOVES his dog, Oscar:

3. I also have a dog named Oscar: Please refer to the photos above as a reference.

He is a goober. He burps. He recently had to take steroids after a bug stung him in the eyebrown and it swelled up like a beach ball. The vet said “he might act a little more hungry than normal.” I looked at him in disbelief … how is that even possible? Food is Oscar’s favorite past time.Then comes sleeping.

4. It is ridiculosuly hot. I think we’ve talked.   about.   this.   enough.   though.

5. I used to be funny. Need proof? Here it is.

 

The End.

I have always been a bit of a daydreamer. I spent a good portion of my childhood in La-La Land, and as an adult I still am prone to “escape” into my thoughts.

As a kid it was harmless. As an adult I have to check myself and make sure that I’m still really present in the life I’m living and not allowing daydreams to become desires of my heart.

It is funny how your daydreams change. As a kid it was dreaming about being an exceptional ballerina or an exotic princess outsmarting the bad guys and saving the kingdom or a playful raccoon. (Yes, I used to pretend I was a raccoon. I don’t know why.)

As a young single woman, it was about meeting Mr. Right and his white horse, winning a Pulitzer or joining the Peace Corps.

Daydreams are meant to be extraordinary, right? They are reality on steroids, or at least reality through rose-colored glasses.

Since I’ve been married and especially since I became a mom, I don’t really do much day dreaming anymore. I don’t know if it is because I don’t have time to let my thoughts take a stroll or because my life is so full with reality or a little of both.

But yesterday I had a doozy. I think this one was helped by lack of sleep and cold medicine. When I “came to” I had to laugh at how incredibly un-extraordinary my daydreams have become.

I day dreamed that it was wintertime and snowing. I was at the YMCA swimming laps. I made it to 32 (a mile), lugged myself out of the pool, toweled off, threw on sweats and drove home in the snow. I got a nice, long, hot shower, did the lotion thing and put on old flannel pajamas. Then, I made myself a sandwich with meat, cheese, a fried egg and mayo, sliced diagonally. I took my sandwich and a jug of water to bed where I crawled under just-washed sheets, ate my dinner and read a Jan Karon book.

And then I went to sleep at 7 p.m. and didn’t wake up until the next morning.

The end.

Now THAT’s a daydream for the books!

I dream about the newsroom.

Ever since I could form sentences, I’ve enjoyed writing. And once I figured out I was good at it (thanks mom) I really liked it. And then when I first tasted the mix of service and freedom journalism offered I absolutely fell in love.

In this season of my life, the doors to the newsroom are shut. I’m sending up prayer and holding out hope that maybe someday down the road I’ll get to return to the newsroom – and one newsroom in particular – but I’m trying to wait on the Lord in this one – and see what He has.

I get to do some writing for my current job, and of course, I have this blog, which I’ve neglected horribly for the last three months.

The truth is, when I think about writing a new post I get almost sick to my stomach.

Part of it is that I don’t have time to be messing around on here.

Part of it is that I just don’t know how to say what I want to say. In that regard, I read the following on another blog today (thanks Jodi!) and it perfectly explained how I feel:

So, you see, there are many days that I just want to write…just put my thoughts on paper (or wherever they tend to disappear to) but it seems pointless because all too often my thoughts are a complete jumbled mess of nonsense. Ever opened a box of paper clips, pulled one out and the entire clump of metal comes out because they are all hooked together…and then try to get one unhooked from the rest of the clump and…well maybe I’m the only one…but that’s what my thoughts feel like sometimes.

And part of it is that sometimes, writing makes me feel sad.

There is something about my soul that has a hard time doing the things I love when I don’t get to do those things all of the time. I went through the same thing after my last basketball game my senior year of high school.

I had loved basketball for four years and after that last game I didn’t play again until I moved to Hutchinson. Seriously. It was too painful to play and know that it would never be the same.

So – I would like to end this post saying that now I’ve realized the fallacy in this kind of thinking and that it will be better now. But I haven’t.  It is hard to find time for a lot of introspection these days. (Given that most of my time goes to Ryle, I wouldn’t have it any other way! :))

What I can say is that I’m going to push through and write. God is showing me His goodness even in the loss of some things that are dear to me … and reminding me that He both gives and takes away for a purpose.

My sweet baby boy. You are asleep right now and there are about a thousand things I should be doing. Including showering.

Honey, you will learn as you grow that writing is  important to your mom. It is how I express my heart – the things I love, the things I hate and the things I’m learning.

Since you were born though, I haven’t had the words. I haven’t had the words for how overwhelming and difficult and wonderful you are. I haven’t had the words for how it hasn’t been easy figuring out how to incorporate you into our marriage or about how my heart jumped and I cried the first time you smiled at me.

And honey, I’m not sure I will ever have the words. Usually after a certain amount of introspection, the jumble of feelings that keep me tongue-tied make their way into sentences. But not this time. It’s been five weeks and two days and still, I don’t have words.

And so, this is the best way I can explain what you mean to me. You leave me speechless.

Sometimes I’m speechless because I don’t know what to do to make you stop crying. Other times it is because I look at you and just can’t believe it. You are my son. My SON.

Ryle, you are teaching me a lot. You are teaching me patience and to give grace. You are reminding me to sing, because I want to sing to you. You are keeping me aware that I am not self sufficient, even though I like to think I am.

Most of all, though, you are teaching me about love. I love you, Ryle, more than … more than words.

And the love I have for you is the best kind of love. It is the kind that spurs me to love your daddy more because you are a part of him. Not only that, it makes me love your Abba Father more too.

Every day I pray that you will know Him, Ryle. I pray that God would remind me that I’m only a steward of you – that you belong to Him. I hope that you will know that, too, in the deepest part of your heart.

I pray that you will love God more than I do, Ryle. And more than your daddy does. I pray that your love for Him will knock us down.

It’s not easy to pray that, son. Because those who love God most are most aware that to gain their lives, they must lose them for His sake.

The people who love Him most answer in obedience when He asks them to do things that society doesn’t value or understand. Asking that you love God first – and truly love Him first – will mean that you face tough situations in life, and I’ll have to watch you go through them knowing that if you loved Him a little less, it might be easier on you.

And, it will mean that because you love Him first, you don’t love me first. You will grow up and go where He calls you, even if that means moving across the globe and not seeing your mother for years on end.

Honey, we put you in the church nursery for the first time yesterday and I could barely wait for the service to end so I could come get you. I wasn’t worried – I MISSED you. If you move across the globe, I will miss you horribly.

Here is how thinking on all of that makes me love God more. He knows exactly how I feel because He gave up His Son for me. And for you.

The difference is, you loving God and putting Him first is the absolute best thing for your life and I know that without a doubt. There is nothing sweeter than an ever-deeper relationship with the Lord Jesus and that is because He is WORTHY of your affection, son.

I am not worthy of the Love God showered on me when He gave up His Son for me. He did it because He decided to do it. He has mercy because He has mercy – not because we deserve it.

Now that I’m a mother, I cannot believe the Love of the Father. I’m completely overwhelmed by this new understanding of what grace means and what it cost.

Well, sweet boy, you are up. I can hear you beginning to snort from your crib, which is my favorite thing about how you wake up.

I love you honey, but not as much as God does.

~Mom

 

 

Two posts in two days! Woohoo!

Today is the second day our office has been closed because of bad weather. Monday night it rained and rained and rained and then it did what it hardly ever does here – it got below freezing. So then it froze and froze and froze and now the roads are slick, slick slick.

This city really isn’t equipped to handle ice-caked roads, so until the temp gets high enough, the ice is staying put and getting slicker, if you ask me. Walking around my apartment complex the last couple of days has reminded me a lot of walking around Tomsk – where there is a good, thick layer of ice on everything all the time.

Today, just for added fun, the electric companies instituted rolling blackouts. That’s when every three hours or so my electricity goes out for 15 minutes. It started this morning at 6 a.m. and has continued throughout the day and will, by all accounts, continue into tomorrow. (Really they are doing this to take some stress off of the cold and frozen lines, according to news reports.)

I’ve enjoyed my two days at home. Oscar and I have gone on walks, I’ve done laundry and eaten cereal whenever I felt like it and paid bills and generally tried to get everything ready for when the little guy does arrive.

Today I got a surprise that made my whole day. Jackie called.

If you don’t know Jackie you really should meet her. She’s been my best pal since the eighth grade. We went through middle school, high school and college together. She listened to me talk about newspapers. I listened to her talk about design.Then she got married to another architect, we graduated and she and her hubby moved to Pennsylvania. About a month after she had her first child, she was the matron of honor in my wedding. And then, just about the time we moved to Dallas, Jackie and Mark – now with two kids in tow – moved to Lincoln, Nebraska.

We used to talk about marrying brothers so we could see each other all the time. Now it seems like the Midwest can’t handle having us both as residents at the same time. Just watch, Seth will finish up seminary and we’ll move back to God’s country and about that time Jackie and Mark will become architect-missionaries in Africa. 🙂

I remember when our conversations were about clothing and friends and television shows and parties and working out and driving back roads and generally whatever had happened to us that day.

Today’s conversation ranged from Herbie to her “perfectly petite” peanut of a daughter, Ellie, to reassuring pediatricians to mean labor and delivery nurses to what to do the day before you go into labor to whether Oscar needs to find a new home when Herbie comes to finding good daycare.

We laughed throughout the whole phone call and then had our always-awkward goodbye. After seeing someone nearly every day for just about a decade, it’s hard to get used to talking on the phone. Even if you have years of practice.

I love the strangeness of our friendship. I love how it has evolved along with our lives. And I love how Jackie still knows my little-girl’s heart and can put me at ease when others can’t.

I am blessed. If it did nothing else, I’m glad this random ice storm gave me 45 minutes to talk on the phone with Jack. What a sweet, sweet surprise.

We are one week away from Herbie’s due date. I’ve looked at the weather forecast for that day; I’ve packed my bag; I’ve talked to friends about watching Oscar; and I’ve pretty well completed the nursery.

We’re alllllll ready, Herbs – anytime you are.

According to my doctor, Herbs does not appear to be in any hurry to move out of the womb. Can’t blame him. It  is actually cold in Dallas, the Super Bowl is at Cowboy Stadium on Sunday and his mom keeps feeding him (and herself) chocolate milk and ice cream. I’d stay put too.

Oh well, at least I can show you the nursery.

We have a crib:

Putting together the crib...

Showing Herbie his bed

Jail

We have a stroller:

Putting together the stroller...

We have a changing table:

How do you do this?

We have tons of cute clothes:

Someday he'll be big like dad

We have a TON of other stuff that has been sorted and put away:

Nursery explosion!

 

Books!

 

And we have most of our decor. Although I still need to hang his name on the wall. And, we’re waiting on these wall decals to tie it all together:

 

Blues and browns and puppies and denim

 

 

Our favorite canines

What a name!

 

Your room is all ready honey. Come on!

 

Ready for RKR

 

 

Jan.20!?

HolysmokesI’mhavingababyintwoandahalfweeks.

ShouldIpackmybag?IthinkIshouldpackmybag.

WAIT.HowlongamIonmaternityleave?HowamIgoingtogetallthisworkdone?

DANGit.Ihavetoremembertotakethatdiapergeniebacktothestore.

LORDPLEASEPROVIDEDAYCARE!

It’sOkay..I can handle this.

Whew. Just. Calm. Down.

Breathe….

OHMYLORD!WHATIFHECOMESEARLY!?